TO THE MEMORY OF
SEAN MICHAEL SOWARDS
MOST PRECIOUS ARE GODS SMALLEST ANGELS
Stories of Abuse And Survival!
MALES ARE VICTIMS TOO
Announcing Male Abuse Awareness Week December 1st - 8th, 2009!
http://help4guys.org/
http://www.youtube.com/watch?
Male Abuse Awareness Week December is 1st through 8th. It is a campaign to bring attention to the problems society faces when male victims and survivors of all types of abuse are not given the help they need to recover and deal with what has happened to them. The rate of suicide, violent crime and abuse cycles could possibly be decreased in males if more organizations provided special services to them and we all bring this “taboo” subject to a socially acceptable level, as we have already done for females. For more information on help for males, please go to www.help4guys.org.
We need your help with this campaign.
Donations are needed to keep this site and this effort going all year long.
If you can not donate money, you can still help with this campaign.
Please see the “Welcome Video” on the home page of the new web site for suggestions, or just spread the word by forwarding this email? Or, you can donate your time online!
My data base is a mess. I want to pay a struggling parent $400 to do 40 hours of clerical work in my office, so that they will have money for food and gifts this Holiday Season. If we can get this donation into our account by December 15th, we can make the difference for one family this year. Assuming that other people will make the donation doesn't work, please give what you can today? We are a registered 501(c)3 and your donations are tax deductible.
To make a donation, please contact us, or our you can locate our PayPal account button on our main web site at www.plunafoundation.org.
Thanks to everyone for the continued support this year. We are proudly heading towards our 2nd year.
Barbara Ochoa aka Petra Luna
Executive Director, P. Luna Foundation
Leader of the War On Abuse Movement
www.plunafoundation.org
www.petraluna.com
Sponsored by the P. Luna Foundation:
http://www.slide.com/r/Other helpful links:
http://www.nycagainstrape.org/http://www.aest.org.uk/
http://www.azrapeprevention.
MALE ABUSE
A New Perspective: the Unacknowledged Abuse Survivors
A testimony from a man's perspective: Not an easy thing to deal with. This is a real life story from a real live man, who is kind enough and strong enough to share his story for the rest of us:
A lot of times when people think of abuse they think of children, woman, and animals as the victims. They almost never think of us men, they seem to think men are just the predators. They never stop to ask themselves why. I am not in any way making excuses for men who are abusers, I would never do that ever. The majority of men who are abusers were victims of abuse themselves and do not know any other way to handle anger, frustration, or any other emotions or pain. Society still does not accept the fact that men are victims as well. It is sociatys dirty little secret. I know this because i am a man and a survivor of abuse. The men and woman who were my abusers were raised by abusers. If you are a man who was or is being abused YOU ARE NOT ALONE. There is help out there. You are not worthless, inferior, a disgrace, less of a man, or any of the feelings of worthlessness that come along with being a victim of abuse. You are human and YOU ARE WORTH HELPING. Here is my story. If this helps one person man or woman than the hardship i am experiencing expressing what has happened to me is well worth it.
Statistics About Child Sex Abuse Against Boys/Men, What You Can Do To Help! 11 Reasons Why Males Don't Disclose Abuse: 1) A cultural bias maintains that males cannot be victims. Males are expected to be confident, knowledgeable, and aggressive. To be a victim means one is an inadequate male. 2) If the boy's body has responded sexually, he feels he is somehow responsible for the sexual abuse. 3) Male victims of sexual abuse struggle with issues of homosexuality as most offenders are male. Their homophobia plus their confusion and fear encourage silence. Not to mention the social stigma attached to homosexuality. 4) If a boy receives money for sex, he is less likely to be perceived as a victim. 5) If a boy has a homosexual orientation, he is often blamed for the "seduction" of the older male, instead of being acknowledged as a legitimate victim of sexual abuse. 6) Molestation by an older female is often viewed positively as a kind of "initiation rite" into manhood. Cultural pressure encourages participation while denying feelings. 7) Male victims of sexual abuse, more than female victims, may fear loss of freedom and independence if the sexual abuse should be made public. 8) Fear of reprisals from the offender plays a role in under-reporting. 9) When boys are victimized, they tend to be blamed more for their abuse and are viewed as less in need of care and support. 10) Boys fear negative judgment by family and friends. 11) Embarrassment and/or confusion prevent male victims of sexual abuse from disclosing. (Information taken from: http://www.child-abuse-effects.com/male-victims-of-sexual-abuse.html) Here are some key messages for men who were sexually abused in childhood: * You are not alone. * You can educate yourself. * Other guys struggle with their masculinity too. * There are people who understand what you're dealing with and can help. What to ask/how to know if you’ve been sexually abused: 1. Someone fondled you (i.e., touched your genitals or other parts of your body) in a sexual way. YES____ NO____ If yes... Who was the person?___________________ Was the person male or female?__________ How old were you at the time?____________ About how old was the other person?______ How many times did it happen?___________ For how long did it happen (i.e., days, weeks, months, years)?_________________ How do you now feel about the experience (i.e., negative, neutral or positive)_________ How distressing did you find this at the time: Not at all distressing - A . . . . . B . . . . . C . . . . . D . . . . . E - Very distressing How much force or persuasion did the person use? (Please check off the appropriate categories below.) Activity was voluntary____ They took advantage of your trust____ They used bribes or enticements____ They used sexual seduction____ They used intimidation or adult authority____ They used threats against you or someone else____ They used physical force____ Other (please explain)_______________________ 2. A woman had you perform vaginal intercourse on her. YES____ NO____ If yes... Who was the person?___________________ Possible Lasting Effects: Research on long-term effects of childhood sexual abuse in men's lives show these are some of the long term effects of abuse on men, as studied by By Jim Hopper, Ph.D. (last revised 3/23/2008). Of course the sexual abuse of male children can lead to a variety of problems and suffering. But it's not that simple. My aim in this section is to provide some basic information that, while conveying the possible effects of the sexual abuse of males, helps people appreciate the complexity of this issue and avoid unnecessarily pessimistic beliefs. * All human beings suffer painful experiences, and some of these occur in childhood. * All caregivers of children are sometimes unable to protect them from painful experiences. * We all need love and support to deal with the effects of painful experiences. * Everyone must find ways to cope with the emotions generated by painful experiences - whether or not we get love and support from others. * Many coping or self-regulation strategies work in some ways, but also limit people in other ways. For example: o Ignoring painful feelings may reduce one's conscious experience of them. But it also prevents one from learning how to manage them in smaller doses, let alone larger ones - which makes one vulnerable to alternating between feeling little or no emotions and being overwhelmed and unable to cope with them. o Avoiding getting close to people and trying to hide all of one's pain and vulnerabilities may creating a sense of safety. But this approach to relationships leads to a great deal of loneliness, prevents experiences and learning about developing true intimacy and trust, and makes one vulnerable to desperately and naively putting trust in the wrong people and being betrayed again. o At the extreme, getting really drunk can block out painful memories and feelings, including the feeling of being disconnected from others - but cause lots of other problems and disconnections from people. * Some people suffer more painful experiences than others, and abuse is one of many possible causes of extreme emotional pain (others include life-threatening illness, death of a loved one, physical disfigurement, etc.). * Some people get more love and support from their families and friends than others, and families in which abuse occurs tend to provide less of the love and support needed to recover from abuse. But families in which abuse does not happen can also experience significant problems, and can make it hard for family members to deal with the inevitable painful experiences in life. * Finally, because everyone needs caring relationships and love, emotional neglect can be more devastating than abuse, particularly in the earliest years of life. The Effects of Child Abuse Depend on a Variety of Factors We have learned from many people's experiences and a great deal of research that the effects of abuse and neglect depend on a variety of factors. Below I group these effects into those which research has shown to influence negative outcomes, and a variety of other factors that are harder to measure for research purposes and/or may be very important for some people but not others. Factors research has shown to influence the effects of abuse: * Age of the child when the abuse happened. Younger is usually more damaging, but different effects are associated with different developmental periods. * Who committed the abuse. Effects are generally worse when it was a parent, step-parent or trusted adult than a stranger. * Whether the child told anyone, and if so, the person's response. Doubting, ignoring, blaming and shaming responses can be extremely damaging - in some cases even more than the abuse itself. * Whether or not violence was involved, and if so, how severe. * How long the abuse went on. Additional factors that are difficult to research or may differ in significance for different people: * Whether the abuse involved deliberately humiliating the child. * How "normal" such abuse was in the extended family and local culture. * Whether the child had loving family members, and/or knew that someone loved her or him. * Whether the child had some good relationships - with siblings, friends, teachers, coaches, etc. * Whether the child had relationships in which "negative" feelings were acceptable, and could be expressed and managed safely and constructively. Potential Long-Term Effects of the Sexual Abuse of Males * Anger Using standardized measures of symptoms, researchers have found that men who were sexually abused in childhood, whether or not they seek out mental health services, may suffer from:
1 in 6 boys will be sexually abused before their 18th birthday
* Fear
* Homosexuality Issues
* Helplessness
* Isolation and Alienation
* Legitimacy
* Loss
* Masculinity Issues
* Negative Childhood Peer Relations
* Negative Schemas about People
* Negative Schemas about the Self
* Problems with Sexuality
* Self Blame/Guilt
* Shame/Humiliation
* Anxiety
* Depression
* Dissociation
* Hostility and anger
* Impaired relationships
* Low self-esteem
* Sexual dysfunction
* Sleep disturbance
* Suicidal ideas and behavior
1) To Dance Amongst The Stars - this is my personal story. I wrote it hoping to inspire and encourage others.
2) A Guide To Survivorhood - this is a workbook designed to help survivors in their healing.
Next
book coming out - Secondary Survivors - a book aimed at the friends,
families & loved ones of survivors. It addresses the issues that
they face since they are as affected by rape/sexual assault/sexual
abuse as we are.
The 4th book coming out - The Strength of a Man - a book aimed at male survivors to help them to find peace and healing.
My 2 sites are www.rapehelp.org and www.myspace.com/namid
http://fathersforlife.org/fv/
http://books.google.com/books?
www.shalvaonline.org/
A new petition is here! Please go to this link to sign the petition to end the abuse and give men the services and resources they need!
Where as; domestic violence, sexual abuse, and all other forms of abuse affect men as well as women,
Where As; services for such instances do not exist in any form what so ever,
Where as; men have less power to get the support and law behind them in times of abuse, and
Finally, where as; we need to be aware of the fact that victimization can be double for a male victim,
Therefore; we need to make aware that women and (female) children are not the only victims,
Therefore; specific shelters, hotlines, counseling, etc need to be available for men by men,
Finally therefore; we will need extra education to all public servants and services to accommodate this,
So be it resolved that there be equity in services for all men, women and children who need the shelter, protection, counseling, social services are available to all who are in need.
We, the undersigned citizens of the United States support the equity in services to support the abused men and boys who have little to no voice of their own, as society in general discriminates against men who are abused in any way, shape or form. Abuse on men shall carry the punishments in line with the current laws in place to also protect women, as legislated in The Violence Against Women Act.
For the purpose of getting the full understanding of why this issue to protect our boys and men is so important, Please read all testimonies and statistics on this page, and look for good support books for rape survivors at the bottom of the page, thank you!!!
Sean’s Voice: Thanks to his Grandma Elizabeth for sharing his story.
To show support and to get the full story, please visit Elizabeth at http://www.myspace.com/seansvoice she is an awesome woman with a kind heart and generous soul.
Sean, is an angel in heaven. He never made it to his third birthday. Sean died at the hands of his mother. Yes, it’s so very true. Sean endured so much in his short little life.
Little Sean, who was only two and a half, endured many things, like having his big toe nails ripped out of his feet. The mother even would put nail polish in his eyes as punishment because for unknown reasons. Here is the story as Elizabeth puts it:
The following is the statement I read in court today May 21, 2008, just before Judge Foster of the Macomb County Circuit Court handed down his sentence to Sean's murderer. Life without the possibility of parole plus an additional 9-15 years. She was convicted April 24, 2008 of 1st degree murder and 1st degree child abuse. Thank you God for hearing our prayers and providing your angel Sean with justice.
Crystal
For all the time I have known you I mistook you for someone with a heart. But after today, you will be forgotten. Locked far away where you belong, no longer free to hurt anyone again. I have already invested way too much energy and precious time over the years hoping, praying and trying to help only to be used and made out a fool for caring. I invested my time and energy here throughout these court proceedings only to ensure that Sean would get the justice he deserves. Thank God the jury of your peers saw through your lies and saw just how heartless you are. It has been more than a little difficult to sit through all of this, not just because we had to live the horror of the torture and abuse you put Sean through over and over again. But because it was unbearable to look at you sitting there, throughout every court appearance, with the same heartless blank expression, showing no remorse and even no reaction to the tears of all the lives you have shattered.
I am grateful to have this opportunity before I eliminate you and your existence from my mind, to say a few things I need to say to you. A few things you need to hear. Hopefully someday they will resonate with you.
A woman. A MOTHER!, who could intentionally harm and cause pain to her children? - her own flesh and blood? - is SO foreign to me. You used this trusting and naïve perception I had for you as a mother against me. You betrayed the trust I had in you that you were a mother Crystal, someone who adored and wanted to do nothing but protect and love her children. I believed that if you were making mistakes it was due only to your inexperience and anxiety, even post partum depression, and that they were truly honest, ignorant mistakes. You betrayed my love and compassion toward you, my willingness to help you and my trust that you truly and unconditionally loved your children, my precious grandchildren and my blood. And, as shameful as this betrayal is, I know eventually I can and will find a way to forgive you Crystal. Through this past year of therapy, I know now and understand better, your sickness. I can't and don't excuse you for it, but to heal myself from this unimaginable horror, I needed to better understand. Why? I am an adult and I have a strong faith, so I will find the means and the strength to heal and eventually forgive you this betrayal.
But your greatest betrayal was to Sean, this pure, innocent, sweet and loving little soul who completely loved, trusted and depended on you, his mother, to protect and love him. You were his life Crystal. His whole world, his everything! - And you HURT him, in all and every way UNimaginable to a mother. And still, he knew no better than to love you. I can't even begin to imagine how long it will take for me to find the strength necessary to forgive you for this. Or if I even can.
You also betrayed God, who entrusted this beautiful innocent little soul, HIS precious child, to your charge. He gave you the most cherished of gifts when he gave you Sean, and just like every other gift you have received in life, natural and otherwise, you did not cherish or even respect him, instead you despised and discarded his precious life as though he were worthless and a burden. Be prepared to answer the question Crystal, when He asks, "What part of 'Thou shalt not kill,' didn't you understand?"
I saw and knew, none of what you put Sean through. You were so careful, sly, deceitful and manipulative, to not let me see that side of you. You made me worry and wonder what was wrong with my poor grandson. What was wrong with his beautiful eyes, why his physical and mental progression seemed so slow. You even made me believe that he might have been autistic. Lie after lie you told me to hide from me how you hated Sean. You had me trying to find help, for completely bogus afflictions, knowing that if I had known and seen all that your sister and brother had, the least of your worries would have been another phone call to protective services. And all the while YOU KNEW what was wrong with him. YOU KNEW what none of us could have, that through your abuse of Sean, you had caused the previous brain injuries discovered only after your final blow ending his life, which in turn had caused him such misery and dysfunction through his last year. And as WE know now, the whole time he spent here in this short pain filled life, his only problem, his only affliction - was having a hateful, heartless monster as his mother. In the words of a kind man who set up a memorial site for Sean recently, "I can only imagine what life would be like when your nightmares are better than your reality".
I am sorry for you Crystal.
I'm sorry for you - that you could not see the beauty and the miracle of the innocent lives you brought into this world.
I'm sorry for you - that you are incapable of feeling the unconditional love between a mother and her children.
I'm sorry for you - that you are filled with fear and hatred and such insecurity that you could only feel better about yourself by hurting your children and all those around you, who really did care.
I'm sorry for you - that if and when you finally have a lucid moment to realize what you have done, you will feel more self loathing than you ever have and more guilt and shame than you will be able to bear.
I'm sorry for you - that you cannot admit and take responsibility for your malicious, heartless and horrendous behavior toward Sean, committing the final and ultimate betrayal of his pure and unconditional love.
I'm sorry for you - that you cannot even fathom what you have done to Angel. You took away from her everyone in her life that she loved. You made her part and party to your despicable treatment of her beloved brother, encouraging her to repeat your behavior and to treat Sean with the same dismissive, cruel contempt you hold in your heart.
You showed this sweet and precious soul, your daughter, hatred. You taught her cruelty and made her feel fear and pain. You have caused her through your actions to feel sadness and loneliness no baby should ever feel. You are worse than the boogie man, you are the monster in her nightmares. The lessens you taught to Angel as her mother were the very things that real mothers desperately try to shelter their children from, at all costs. Know this Crystal…Angel will heal and recover from your abuse and she will forget you as her mother and know you only as the sick woman who gave birth to her.
My son, my sensitive and loving son. You emotionally, verbally and physically abused and manipulated Michael into your sick, twisted existence, using his love for you against him, isolating him and my grandchildren from all who loved them and desperately tried to intervene. My son's trusting and loving heart, his kind and gentle nature, were no match for your psychotic mind and heartless manipulative ways. And poor Sean, my precious broken grandson, was an even lesser match. He suffered the worst fate, neglected, tortured, abused, and murdered at your cold merciless hands. You'd better pray Crystal, pray that your fate in prison will not be the same as Sean's.
I blame the DHS and any other agency with whom you (Crystal) had been charged to from the time you were Sean's age. I blame them for Sean's death as well, for not heeding my warnings and concerns or the concerns of so many others who called them. It isn't even a case of not enough, it is that nothing was done to protect him. Several phone calls from one person to these departments could be looked upon as a busy body or a vengeful crackpot. But several calls and more as in Sean's life from numerous unrelated people since the time he was four months old, should have warranted drastic action on their part. And although I find huge faults with these supposed official child protecting departments for their inaction, ultimately the blame for Sean's death lies only with his murderer – his mother. Two words so contrary to each other, yet they describe you Crystal Conklin. Child abusing, torturing, murdering mother, can only be shortened to monster. That is what you became from the circumstances of which you grew up Crystal. I know that you suffered through abuses in your childhood, but they do not even compare to the abuse you in turn doled out. You made the choice to be that monster every time you mistreated, tortured, neglected and abused my sweet grandson. But this monster you became was not something you had no control of becoming – it was a choice you made. Many, many people grow up in worse circumstances than you but they do not abuse and kill their children. They make a choice to find help and to heal their self, to become wiser and better than their abusers. That was a choice you neglected to make even with the support and loving examples of your grandmother and uncle. I wonder Crystal…do you ever worry or even think about how she must feel toward you now? Do you worry that she has seen everything? I think she is grateful to have Sean safe in her loving care in heaven, but as a mother and a grandmother who did everything she knew to love and protect you, she must have such deep grief, shame, disappointment and sorrow for you and what you became. She was that one person who stepped up in your time of need as a young abused child, loved you with all her heart, sacrificed and cared for you, and instead of honoring her by becoming a loving mother like she had been to you, paid her back with yet another betrayal.
It disgusts me that you cannot admit to how you killed Sean, to validate his truth, his pain, his life. Instead you choose again to come up with story after story and to blame any and everyone you possibly can, including Angel, another of your children you supposedly love, betraying Sean again and again with each story and each accusation toward another. Only you, Sean, Angel and God know the how of what you did, how you ended Sean's life. But of these, and thankfully, only you will suffer with that knowledge in your head for the rest of your days. And when your days are ended, only you will answer to God. And Sean.
When you were arraigned the judge ended telling you, "Young lady may God have mercy on your soul". You may want to think about getting on your knees Crystal and staying there, because the mercy you will seek from God, will only come with you first admitting and taking responsibility for your actions, having heartfelt remorse for your sins and a lifetime, your lifetime repenting and praying for His forgiveness.
Through and because of this tragedy, I have become a voice for the abused, Sean's voice. If he were able to speak to you today, I'm sure this is what he would say…
Reflections of an Abused Child
(A Letter to My Mother, My Abuser)
I loved you and you hurt me.
I smiled at you and you hurt me.
I hugged you and you hurt me.
I looked to you for acceptance and you hurt me.
I depended on you to fulfill my most basic needs and you neglected and hurt me.
I asked you to help me and you hurt me.
I asked you to hold me and you hurt me.
I needed you to teach me and you hurt me.
I came to you for safety and needed you to protect me, and you hurt me.
Life with you was…
abuse, neglect, torture, cruelty, seclusion, confinement, rejection, hatred, loneliness, fear.
I was innocence,
I was joy,
I was delight,
I was wonder,
I was pure,
I was unconditional love,
and you hurt me.
I was small,
I was fragile,
I was weak,
and you hurt me.
I was beautiful,
I was trusting,
I was sweetness.
I was all that you are not
and so, you hurt me.
But now…
I am happy,
I am cherished,
I am loved,
I am safe,
Because, I am not with you.
Thank you God for rescuing me – Sean.
To Sean - God bless you sweet angel. You are finally home and safe with the angels. You are whole, loved and cherished as you should have always been. I will cherish my precious memories of you all my days. Your big blue eyes, how they lit up with excitement at the sight and words of "Grandma's here!" The sweetness in your innocent baby laugh when I chased you on my knees calling out, "I'm gonna get Seanny". Your beautiful happy little face looking up at me as I scooped you up and held you in my arms. I loved to kiss those sweet baby cheeks and hear you giggle. So few and far between were the times I got to play and show you how loved you were. I will forever miss softly caressing your face and rubbing your back as you fall asleep and just holding you in my lap soft, warm and cozy. Orange Jello, Elmo and your "buddy". These are just a few of the things that will always remind me of you and your sweet love. I love you with all my heart and Grandma will miss you always. I know that we will see each other again and I will be able to hold and love you once more. Until then I hold you ever so close in my heart and you can now rest in peace.
Sean's Dad's Story as put by Elizabeth: Friday, July 11, 2008 Sean’s Daddy Yesterday, the10th of July, Sean's daddy and my son Michael, was sentenced to 9 months in jail and five years probation for being negligent to protect Sean. My heart is saddened for Michael but also relieved that it is over. His sentencing is yet another step toward justice for our beloved Seanny. Michael adored Sean. He adored all of his children. However Sean's death is a result of years of verbal, mental and physical abuse and manipulation toward his daddy by the monster who eventually murdered him. As is the case and reported by mostly women, Michael was a victim of domestic abuse which caused him to become beaten down and weak. So much so that he felt there was no way out and he felt at a loss in knowing how to protect his children. And he wasn't far from the truth. To date there are no resources as there are for women, for men who suffer abuse from thier mates. Men are strong and able to handle all is the assumption and the expectation. But just as women who are caught in domestically violent situations, they are first and foremost human and can and do suffer from isolation, low self esteem and the feeling of worthlessness and helplessness from being weakened by thier abusers. This is not an excuse, however it is a sad fact. Michael has never denied that he did not do enough to protect his children. However he was not the abuser. He was the one who took Sean to the hospital, who never left his side and who has been devastated and continues to grieve on a level I can only imagine. His guilt is so that I am amazed (and grateful) that he has not taken his own life. He has admitted to his lack of action and his responsibility in his son's tragic death from the beginning and knew that he too must pay. His jail sentence is a mere drop in the bucket in comparison to the anguish and guilt he will hold onto for the rest of his life and the grief that will not end after losing all of his children. But unlike Sean's murderer, he has publicly and remorsefully admitted to the role he took leading to Sean's death tearfully stating many times throughout this past year, "I failed my children". He also voluntarily gave up his parental rights to his daughter's knowing that they deserve a better life. The monster continues to hold up thier happiness with appeals that will prevent thier adoption by the amazing, loving family with whom they have been blessed, for God knows how long. Michael's attorney spoke a personal statement on Mike's behalf, but even the prosecuting attorney, Mrs. Tobin, (on a rare occasion) gave a personal statement as well. Saying that is rare for her to do so but that Michael was an exception. The judge also spoke of his disgust with the DHS for not doing thier job in this case and that he would "shout it from the roof". However, if there is any good news at all, it is that Lika the Lobbyist has stepped up and chosen Sean's story to launch a petition against male abuse and child abuse in Sean's name. She has begun the legislative process to institute change and to make all aware that men need programs and help in getting out of abusive relationships in order to protect thier children from the abuse just as women do. She is currently writing the petition with Michael's help as well as my own. I will let everyone know more information as it becomes available. I'll end now with the statement Michael read in court before Judge Foster handed down his sentence. I only wish you could actually hear this as he read it. It was very heartfelt and he choked and cried through it's entirety. Your Honor, Mrs. Tobin, Everyone has regrets and choices in thier life that they wish they could change or do over, do differently. I know I do! I just want to say, I love my children! I love them with all my heart! They were the most precious gift in my life and anyone who knows me knows how much I loved them. I made extremely bad decisions. I stayed in a very bad relationship in the hope that I could fix things, I could make everyone happy, or make everything ok as long as I never gave up trying. My judgement, my entire thinking process was clouded by years of verbal, mental, physical abuse and manipulation by a very ill woman. But never in my worst nightmares did I even think that all of this could ever happen. Like the saying, "Hind site is always 20/20". Now that I have had time to reflect and have been away from Crystal for some time. I realize now more than ever how beat down mentally I was. But I kept thinking to myself, I had a baby on the way, plus Angel and Sean and all I wanted was for us to be a family. And the harder I tried the worse Crystal would be. Of course I wish I had left her, but she made that almost impossible. Whenever he threatened to leave with the children, she would literally physically beat herself up and dare him to leave threatening to call police and say, "Look what you did to me!" "Who do you think they are going to believe?" And he knew that he would be the one taken to jail. Your honor I failed my son, my children. But I always loved them and I never hurt them. I tried my best with what I knew and what I thought at the time was possible. But always that wasn't enough. Losing my son, my daughter, my babies has crushed me! I can't imagine any kind of pain worse than that of losing your children. I would give my life in a heartbeat for the chance to change things, to leave Crystal and protect my son. That's my regret!
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